If I'm not vigilant then I leave myself open and weak and unprotected. Vulnerable and in danger, like an abandoned baby. I know this because I developed vigilance out of necessity.
Being abandoned by others feels way worse than abandoning yourself. Take control back.
How did I take control? The testing out of other behavior, etc.
The pain of other's abandonment felt 10000 worse than my own. The pain of leaving the baby behind was less painful than being the baby in pain. I had to protect that baby so I told myself I wasn't her and I hid her in a place no one would ever find.
She couldn't tell anyone how to find her because she didn't know where she was.
It was a place I made up out of lies and a collection of safe choices. Movies cleared to like, etc.
Rejecting my true feelings left my young heart, strong with sensitivity, no other option than to fend for itself if it wanted to survive. I cast it out of me by changing my insides into something my heart didn't recognize. The true me was nowhere to be found to acknowledge its observations or act on its intuitions. It urged me to raise my hand in English class and was confused when my arm stayed on my desk. It pulled at me to sing in the morning, to roll the window down on the way to school, to read under a tree. I was silent, still, and staring. Before understanding it was alone, my heart was lonely. Upon realizing I wasn't there to care for it anymore, that it was well and truly lost, my heart was scared. Then pleading. Pleading turned to searching and searching turned to panic until panic became anger. This process took about three years, raising my once trusting heart into a feral, defensive child. Bracing for impact. Ravenously hunting for food. Frantically seeking safety in the twisted woods of my unfamiliar soul.
An angry heart needs the most energy. Mine spent most of its energy on fear and worry so there wasn't much left to use once the anger arrived. When it did, it raged all at once and blew through me the fastest; a whipping, rushing, violent gale that opened its mouth to roar and found silence. Infuriating stillness. A cold apathy chilled the air instead and stayed for a very, very long time.
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