If friendship requires that we feel known and loved, if being known and loved requires connection, if connection requires that we tell the truth about ourselves and what we feel, and open our life experiences to another person, then I'm not sure I have any real friends.
I saw-I think-I saw my ex boyfriend in whole foods today. it shook me. I was attracted to him, sort of. he looked healthier and just different enough to feel strange, so I made him into a stranger. He was spiritual now. Sober. Productive and hard-working. Responsible. I craned my neck to get a closer look. This man bought sushi and what looked like an iced tea. Graham ate sushi when he was on his game and following through with self-improvement commitments. He would have bought an energy drink in the old days, but new and improved Graham might drink iced tea. I stepped back into my aisle and thought for a minute. Were his eyebrows that bushy? Did he wear his keys on his belt buckle like that? I should have paid more attention to his walk-Graham's was more of a shuffle. Flip flops. He wore flip flops-Bonnie once called them shower-shoes BLECH-and I hated them. I abandoned my cart and my purse to see if I could catch one last glimpse of this guy before he left the grocery store. Too late. Gone. But there was a pair of legs in jeans and close-toed navy blue Toms looking shoes. That could be something a former flip-flop wearer put on when doing better at life...All this because what? He knew me? We had a connection? I felt close? Maybe for a little while but not really. He read my diary and I still kept so much from him. He was drunk and would lie in the dark in his bed-mattress on the floor-all day. So depressing. I broke up with him because he made us late-once again- for a flight and we missed it this time. I had to be back for work and the tickets cost hundreds of dollars. I knew it was over. There was no way I could live in this ridiculous, wasteful chaos. I had to remind myself of that once I was back in line.
I put the groceries in the car. I walked over to Juan's where my baby and fiance were waiting for our food. That he paid for. in addition to our groceries. Thank god. I am SO grateful. THANK YOU, Andrew.
I wanted to escape where I am now. The relationship I'm in now. So I took a little vacation provided by a possible sighting of my ex into what my life could be if I dated the new and improved Graham. I'd learn that he most likely is not new and improved because people are flawed and messy.
Who do I tell the truth to? Where do I tell it? I feel locked and lying. What do I need to tell? I love my son and I want to live with my son but I am not in love with Andrew. I love him but I am not in love with him. Do I build a life with him knowing that? Is that fair to either of us?
What is the truth of my life? What would living it authentically look like? What would being true to my heart look like? I feel like I have to go back and start over. Just wipe the slate clean and start again. That's not the answer, I know. I've done it before. That doesn't make people feel good. It makes them feel used. And I think I have used people in the past. I've used them as attachments for protection. They didn't really know me because I didn't let them but I needed them and their love and acceptance to feel safe.
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